This guest post is by Michelle Nickolaisen of Wicked Whimsy.
We’ve all had it happen to us. You get a brilliant idea that you’re incredibly excited about. In your excitement, you share the idea with a loved one, hoping that they’ll see its brilliance as well. But your spirits fall as your loved one pauses a moment, and then tells you exactly why your idea is terrible.
I always found this an incredibly frustrating occurrence. And very often, with me or with others, the loved ones are wrong—the idea is in fact an outstanding one, and turns out exceedingly well. So why do they say something negative about it?
Ponder on that for a moment while I tell a related tale. A week or two ago, my husband and I were talking. Eagerly, he told me he had a great idea—he saw a Craigslist ad for an open mic night, and he wanted to try stand up comedy.
His face fell as I said something to the effect of “I don’t know, do you really want to do that? I mean, people at comedy clubs can be really mean!” We talked for a couple of minutes and then I realized that I was doing that thing I hate, where loved ones aren’t very supportive. I was saying exactly what I’ve had people say to me!
And why was I saying it?
Feeling the fear
I was scared for him. Change is scary. Our lizard-brains see change and they run the other way, thinking “No! Security = survival!” When we see a loved one walking into what we’re convinced is a trap, it makes us scared and concerned for them, and we try to dissuade them from going ahead.
It’s only natural, really. But that doesn’t make it any less hurtful or infuriating to the people you’re trying to dissuade. Especially if the idea actually is a good one, and not something like “Hey Mom, I think I’m going to move out into the woods and live with a cult leader. He mentioned Kool Aid. Sound like a plan?”
Fixing it
So what can you do to fix this?
- If you’re on the giving end of the conversation, stop and think about what you’re saying and why you’re saying it. Do you genuinely think this is a bad idea? Why? If you can’t think of three solid reasons (examples of reasons that are not solid: “you’ll get laughed at”, “people are mean”), you should probably rethink your stance on this idea and give your loved one all your support.
- If you’re on the receiving end, try to keep in mind that your loved one is coming from a place of being scared for you, not from a place of spite or cruelty. Ask them why they feel that your idea is a bad one, and if they don’t have a good reason, gently say that you appreciate their advice but you’d appreciate their support even more.
Oh, wondering what happened with my husband? After I realized I was being lizard-brained, I explained where I was coming from and apologized to him. Then I offered to read what he’d written for his stand up and give feedback. He’s also run his routine by a couple of other people (to much laughter) and is planning on showing up next time there’s an open mic night!
How about you? Have you ever caught yourself discouraging a good idea out of fear for the idea-haver? Or have you ever been on the receiving end of discouragement? How did you react, and what did you do about it?
Michelle is a 22-year-old, blue-haired blogger who writes about creativity, spirituality, and life. Follow her exploits at Wicked Whimsy. You can also sign up for the mailing list to receive the free Finding Yourself 101 ecourse and monthly updates about Wicked Whimsy.
About Guest Contributor
Hey Michelle, great post: you’re right on!
I’d like to ad that I think we are often more critical of our loved ones and ourselves than we are of other people we don’t know as well. I’m not saying this is a good thing, but it does happen. Probably because of the fear you mentioned, although I think there is also the temptation to demand true excellence in everything from yourself and those close to you.
Very good post. I’m usually the one with the hair brained idea. My mind never stops, and that’s a good thing, most of the time. I’ve been proven right more than wrong, but I do try to understand where the concern comes from. You really need to have the courage of your convictions and remember how you feel when others rain on your parade, so you don’t do it to someone else.
Thanks for the post.
I agree, but I’d also like to add that what comes out of people’s mouths is based solely upon who THEY are and what THEY feel, not even necessarily a reaction to protect the person with the great idea. For example, I want to do a marathon. One of my pals, who works out with me, made the most incredible face when I told her that I won’t be doing 5k races much more and why. Her reaction? “Really? You want to DO that?” When I got done laughing she added, “I will NEVER want to do a marathon.” That’s what the face and tone were about. It had nothing to do with me at all. 🙂
P.S. Tell your hubby to Break a Leg! I’m rooting for him.
That’s so true Mel. It is often about THEIR experiences or what THEY would find confronting.
For example, I’m 39 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child and have been attending ‘calmbirth’ classes where the idea is to release fear, which releases tension, which leads to a calmer, less painful labour/birth. (more info on blog)
When I tell people about it, the reactions are extraordinary – either really supportive (esp from women who’ve experienced it themselves) or then there’s the ‘raised eyebrow’ brigade and comments like “Yeah, good luck with that” accompanied by eye-rolling and sarcastic tone. One friend even said “Are you mad? Why wouldn’t you just get an epidural straight away?” (She has had 3 elective caesarians by the way!)
I just can’t imagine raining on someone’s parade like that. Some people just love to prove you wrong, but you have to remember, it’s THEIR stuff and it’s all about THEIR fears and limitations.
Oooh, sorry, I’m getting a bit of a rant going . . . better get back to real work now 🙂
That’s a great point, Mel! It seems like a lot of times, the people who are harshest on others dreams are the ones who had their hopes crushed at some point. Obviously some sort of connection there!
Coming from a family where you were never allowed to ‘get too big for your boots’ I am fairly sensitive to criticism and so have tended not to put myself ‘out there’. That’s all changed with the publication of my blog where I am putting it ALL out there! Funny how some friends and family still won’t acknowledge it though.
I do think in Australia there is still a culture of ‘tall poppy syndrome’ and, while I agree that fear for our loved ones is one of the drivers, I also think it is human nature to worry about how our loved ones’ actions will reflect on us, ie. if he makes a fool of himself, how will that make me look? Or at the other end of the spectrum, there’s jealousy ie. he might become more successful than me.
Great post – really interesting to ponder!
I found it really helpful to realise why people close to me who are no longer alive said some of the things they did – thank you Michele.
🙂
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This is a great post from the heart. Family does have a way of telling you whatever direction you are taking is wrong or won’t work. They think they know what is best. It can become fruitless trying to prove to them it will not work because they are not you and have not walked in your shoes.
Eventually, some of them said go the direction I wanted to years before. Their memories are short and narrow and they don’t remember discouraging you or sending you the wrong way.
This is a reminder to believe in yourself. To thine own self be true.
Whenever my husband has a grand idea and I pull a “What? Really?” face, I usually realize it’s because I immediately think of how that idea may impact me. “Oh, you want to open a new office?” (Read: never be home for dinner again). I tell him that whenever he brings up new things he has to first remember that I’m really self-absorbed. 🙂
Ha! I think Hugh MacLeod says something about that in his book. One of his rules is to not listen to what your loved ones say about your ideas, since any idea you implement is going to change the way you act and thus your relationship with them. It’s another point worth remembering, for sure 🙂
Excellent post! Clear-headed thinking expressed in a warm-hearted, well-written way. Sorry… I’m out of hyphenated words.
Thanks for the reminder… I feel better all ready! I’ve been on both ends… and I’d like to think that today, I am a BUILDER… and my words are my tools!
only 22 and already married. What the FUCK?